


Ineffably

by helpihavetoomanyOTPs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Background Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood, Clary and Simon only met a few months before, College/band au?, I honestly can't remember if Alec is in this, M/M, and he's known Raphael forever, it was an english assignment, it's so different omg, sorry if this is crappy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 01:35:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8231587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helpihavetoomanyOTPs/pseuds/helpihavetoomanyOTPs
Summary: Simon Lewis was an idiot.Really, he was.An absolute idiot.





	

Simon Lewis was an idiot.  
    Really, he was.  
    An absolute idiot.

He had been friends with Raphael Santiago for nine years and he threw the whole thing away for a girl he met two months ago.

At first, he wasn't even sure how it happened – or why it happened, for that matter – but one day, Raphael just stopped talking to him. It was completely out of the blue; Simon just got a girlfriend (a lovely girl named Clary Fairchild), and they were happy, and Simon was talking to Raphael about an awesome date that they went on, and Raphael cracked it. He shut his book with a bang and slammed it down on the coffee table in front of the couch that he was sitting on, standing up angrily.

"Do you love her?" He had demanded. "Well?" He pushed when Simon didn't answer. "Do you love her or not, Lewis?"  
That question had shocked Simon for more than one reason. For one, Raphael never called him 'Lewis' unless he was truly angry. Also, it was a fair question. Did he love Clary?

"I don't think I do, Raph." Simon had cautiously answered after some careful thinking. "I don't love her, no." That just seemed to anger Raphael further.

    "Then why are you with her?" He stepped around the coffee table, towards the armchair in which Simon was sitting. He stood over the chair, leaning his face down to Simon's level. "Why are you dating someone you don't even love?"

That made Simon angry. He pushed himself up off of the armchair and got right into Raphael's personal space.

"Just because I don't love her, Raphael, doesn't mean I don't like her." He pushed Raphael's chest slightly. "What, do you expect me to wait to fall in love before I date anyone? D'you want me to be a loner like you until I find my soulmate? Huh?"

    Raphael's confident expression crumbled, and reformed into one of shock. He looked like a kicked puppy.

He stumbled backwards, ankle whacking into the table. He didn't seem to notice.

Then his face hardened into a stoic mask, hiding any and all emotions he may have been feeling from Simon's eyes. He started to storm around their apartment, grabbing keys and chargers, his phone and laptop. He stalked into his room, slamming the door. Simon's resolve disintegrated, and he realised what he said. He just called his best friend a loner. Only one thought was playing on repeat in his head.

     _What have I done?_

    His head whipped around when he heard Raphael's door flying open and hitting the wall. He rushed over to his friend, ready to apologise, when he noticed the bag in his hand.

"Raph..." Raphael held up his hand to stop him.

"Until you can pull your head out of your ass,  _Lewis_ , and notice the things staring you in the face, I'm staying in a hotel." He pushed past Simon and opened the front door. "Have fun with Clary." He shut the door behind him.

     _What have I done?_

\---

    Since that night, all Simon could think of was how Raphael had ended their argument.

 _"Notice the things staring you in the face_."

    He has noticed. He's noticed many things. For example, the apartment is really quiet without Raphael there, singing along to Enrique Iglesias and My Chemical Romance songs. Simon had never realised how much happier he always was with his best friend. He found himself wondering if Raphael was just as miserable.

He spent a whole week moping around the apartment, wishing Raphael was there with him. He hadn't seen, spoken to, or even texted Clary in eight days when he realised.

He didn't care. Simon was supposed to love this girl, or learn to at least, but he didn't care about her. He just wanted Raphael back.

So he broke up with Clary.

He spouted some nonsense about them not being quite right for each other and ended up rambling quite a bit before she cut him off.

"We both know that's rubbish, Si." She smiled. "We've both got eyes for other people. It's fine." He was shocked. "Both of us?" But it didn't take him long. "Lightwood. You're hot for Isabelle Lightwood?" She nodded and blushed, bashfully looking down at her feet. "You're hot for Izzy! Oh, this is perfect!" Clary looked up at him in confusion.

"How is this 'perfect', exactly?" She frowned, "She's straight." At this, Simon laughed; something he hadn't done in days.

"Ha! No she isn't."

"But wasn't she dating Meliorn a few weeks ago?" Simon smiled and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah. She was. But Isabelle Lightwood is about as straight as a spoon." Clary jumped up and down, squealing slightly. Simon held her still. "And don't start the whole 'I don't have a chance' complex, okay, Clary? Because you have a bigger change with her than Dean does with Cas." She laughed for a second before realising what he was saying. She grinned up at him.

"Okay. I'll ask her out, but you've got to fix whatever's going on with you and Raphael. The two of you not talking is messing with everyone's lives." Simon smiled, and Clary whacked the back of his head. "I'm serious! You guys never fight, and now he's staying in a hotel? What happened?"

As he explained, Clary's eyes grew comically large.

"Fix it, Lewis. Fix whatever it actually is that you two have, because heaven knows it's one of the purest things I have ever seen. You do not want to throw that away, Si. Not over me."

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That brings us to now. Simon and his band have landed a gig at a bar. A bar that happens to be  _next door to Raphael's hotel_. They were given three weeks' notice. Raphael had been in the hotel for one. Simon decided to write a song. He knew that the music from the bar would be loud enough for the entire hotel to hear it if the doors were open.

He spent two weeks writing lyrics: pulling all-nighters, cancelling plans that had been in place for weeks – or even months – and not talking to anyone. When he finished the lyrics, it took three days to write the music itself with the rest of the band. They kept looking at him with the most pitying looks. It was annoying.

But, the night has arrived. Simon has already asked everyone to hold the doors open ("Sorry about the cold, guys, but this is super important."), and is setting up his microphone and guitar. His mind is racing.

 _What if I forget the words?_  
_What if I mess up the chords on guitar?_  
_What if he doesn't listen?_  
_What if he_ _ **does**_ _listen?_

His thoughts are silenced as he finishes set-up. He sits down on his bar stool, smiles, and starts to play.

He focuses solely on the movement of his fingers for a few seconds, before hearing Jace's drums kick in, followed by Izzy on the bass, and Meliorn on the electric guitar on the electric guitar. They play a few bars, and it's time for him to sing. He takes a deep breath, and lets loose.

"We've never gone this long without talking,  
And I hate how our conversation ended.  
I'm sorry that I picked her, I've only made things worse,  
You need to understand that I have always put you first."

Simon closes his eyes, losing himself in the song. He hopes Raphael hears. He prays that he'll be forgiven. That he'll have his best friend back by the end of he night.

"I know that you can hear me from your hotel just next door.  
But I hope that you will listen as I take to the floor.  
Listen to me darling that is all I ask.  
I hope you're proud to know I've pulled my head out of my ass."

And he has. He so has. There's so much that he never realised, so much he never noticed, so much he always pushed aside, thinking  _no. That's wrong._

"That night you slammed the door  
And the wood hitting the wall,  
Broke our red string of fate.  
But I hope that we can mend it, I hope to God we do,  
'Cause all that I've been thinking of these last few weeks was you."

He opens his eyes to scan the crowd, a faint hope in his heart that Raphael will come to watch. But he cannot see him anywhere.

"You see? It took a few years,  
But I've finally realised,  
Thought it took a fair few tears.  
This time without you has been the most  
Miserable time of my life.  
So I hope that you'll come home  
And make everything all right."

Because that's how it would be. If Raphael came home tonight, everything would be all right in the world. For Simon. And it's because now, Simon has realised. Raphael is the world. Simon's world.

"I hope I didn't misread this,  
I hope you feel same.  
I hope I'm not out of line,  
I hope I'm not insane."

And Simon braces himself, closing his eyes, because he knows this next line will either fix everything or break it even more.  _And what will I do if it does?_

"I love you, but it hurts to speak,  
You're my whole world, but the future's looking bleak.  
Please don't hate me  
For speaking my mind,  
I'm sorry if you do,  
It's just the way I was designed."

He opens his eyes and scans the crowd again, hoping for just a glimpse of Raphael's face. He doesn't have to look down at his fingers as he plucks the instrumental, Meliorn following along carefully. He breathes deeply, only for the breath to catch in his throat as he spies Raphael's familiar brown eyes and black hair staring up at him from the very back of the room. He regulates his breathing quickly, determined to hold Raphael's gaze for the last few lines.

"I love you, I hope you know that now.  
I won't argue of you never wanna see me again,  
If I try to talk and you shoot me down.  
But you need to know I'm sorry.  
I'm sorry for choosing her,  
She's now with another girl,  
And by the end of this song, I hope you know  
You're my whole world."

The song was over and the crowd burst into applause, standing up to cheer and whistle.

Simon lost sight of Raphael.

The doors were shut.

Everyone sat down and the band began to play the next song. Meliorn sang. Simon's eyes went straight to where Raphael had been sitting.

He was gone.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The band only played two more songs. Simon sang neither. They sat around a table in the audience afterwards, talking about the performance. Clary came running up and wrapped her arms around Izzy.

"That was amazing, you guys. Simon," She turned to him, "Was he here?" Simon stared at his drink, absentmindedly stirring it with his pinkie finger.

"I saw him. Near the end of my song." Everyone whipped around to look at him with wide eyes. "But when the crowd stood up he disappeared, and when we started Helena he wasn't there anymore."

Jace put a hand on his shoulder.

"You might have imagined it, Si."

"He was there, Jace. I saw him."

"I don't think he heard."

"He heard." Jace shook his head, looking at Simon with those stupid pitying eyes. Simon slammed his hands down on the table and stood up. "I'm leaving." He took one last sip from his glass, picked up his guitar case, and stormed out of the bar, starting the walk home.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So now, Simon is about fifteen minutes away from home. A car pulls up next to him. The window rolls down, and he nearly cries.

"Get in the car, Si. You can't walk all the way home."

"Y- you sure, Raph?" Raphael grins, and Simon dies a little inside.

"'Course, Si. Besides, I'm heading there now. It's no bother to me." A tear makes it way down Simon's cheek. He wipes it away quickly.

"You're... you're coming home then?" He asks delicately as he climbs into the car, shoving his guitar into the backseat gently. Raphael smiles softer.

"Yeah. I am." Then his smile melts into a frown. "Did you mean it? The song?" Simon avoids his eyes.

"Uh... yes." Raphael pulls on the handbrake and turns to face Simon in his seat.

"You sure?" He reaches out his hand and grabs Simon's chin, stopping his twitching and forcing Simon to look at him. "Absolutely sure?"

Simon smiles weakly, ridiculously scared of rejection. "Yep." Raphael moves closer and he's tempted to back up. But he doesn't. He just scrunches his eyes shut and braces for the worst. Unnecessarily.

Because he doesn't feel a slap or punch across his face. Just something soft brushing across his lips, before being pressed against them. Simon's brain short circuits because  _oh my god Raphael Santiago is kissing me_. Raphael started to pull away, and Simon realised it was because he wasn't doing anything. He didn't want Raphael to stop. So he lifted his hand to the back of Raphael's neck, pulling him back in and threading his fingers through his hair. He moves his lips against Raphael's, kissing him a second, third, fourth time, but the kisses melt into one, with pushing and pulling and lips and tongues and hands in hair and hands on waists and Raphael, just Raphael, pure,  _ubiquitous_ _ **Raphael**_. Simon feels more vulnerable than he ever has before and he loves it. Because be can be the rawest, most unadulterated version of himself with Raphael and he doesn't have to worry. Because Simon is in love.

They need air.

Raphael and Simon pull apart in the same instant, gasping for air but not letting go of each other. Simon brings his hand up to Raphael's jaw, his thumb running all over his face. It traces his cheekbones, his jawline, the outline of his lips. He hesitantly leans forward and places a soft kiss onto Raphael's lips again.

"I love you, Raphael." Simon whispers, voice low and slightly hoarse, drowning in limerence. Raphael's face breaks out into a grin.

"I love you too, Simon.  _ **Ineffably**_."

 


End file.
